I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges