lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
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despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.