What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
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I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Gemma Correll
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.