I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
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Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
What is going on? 😅
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”