If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
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My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
so much to do
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
There is no “we” in pizza
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?