Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Just had my nails done!
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.