The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
You Might Also Like
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
So inspired right now.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.