“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
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Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab