The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
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Great acting.. 😂
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Based Erika
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Lol
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL