Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
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First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money