USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Which wines pair best with gloating?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.