Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
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Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
They must have gotten it to go.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?