Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.