One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
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5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>