By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body