Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Oh the world we live in…
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)