My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
You Might Also Like
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Does this dress make me look cat?
I know this now 😂
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
much to think about
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
crazy
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first