If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
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God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
There is no try. There is only give up.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no