People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
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Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?