[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.