god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
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Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
My dad.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
For the baby who has everything
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.