“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
You Might Also Like
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
your honor my client chooses dare
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.