6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
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My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Fiction has to make sense.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude