Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
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Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.