Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
You Might Also Like
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I already tried new things thanks.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role