Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
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[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
The options really are this bad
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5