Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
You Might Also Like
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants