Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
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People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon