With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again