[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
If I ignore life will it go away?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.