If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Goat cheese is for herders.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.