Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
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I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
How to draw a duck
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
23. the denim jacket
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.