Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
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I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I finally found a reason to live again.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Beware of fowl play.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
A choir of Spring onions
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
October already? What’s next? November????
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.