Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
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I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall