[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
🤣😂
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.