just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
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I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car