If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Room with a view.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Effort made
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.