My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
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my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.