If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
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My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Oh my god
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth