went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
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[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
That’s it.I’m out.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.