If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
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Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
#titanic
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree