HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats