Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
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[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us