him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
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I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon