Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.