“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
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Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)