people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
God has left this place
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My boss called in sick of me
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.