When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
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It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I don’t get marriage
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
🤣🤣🤣
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…