Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
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My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…