When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
There are 2 kinds of twitter.